What’s in a word; the language of pregnancy & birth
I’m not talking about the F-word here 😂 but before I go any further I’ll put my hand up and say sometimes I get this wrong. Why would that matter?
To some people it doesn’t matter at all. They don’t know any different and only see and hear the positive intention behind the words, but it can also cause upset to people who have experienced prejudice, exclusion, or a life on the sidelines.
Whilst some eyes may roll at the idea of political correctness gone stratospheric, the change can also be welcomed with open arms because we are embracing a society that celebrates freedom of choice.
Not all people who give birth are women, and not all women can give birth.
In hypnobirthing we encourage you to take charge of your thoughts and understand that the words you use have a direct impact on how you feel.
Using the word contraction, for example, can make you feel tense because you might think of tightness or pressure (which causes more discomfort). Instead we invite you to use the word surge or wave which is softer, and in my mind, passes more quickly. It’s up to you what impacts you and what doesn’t. On mentioning this to one woman she told me that she felt more stressed remembering to substitute the word contraction than she did hearing it. She knows her mind!
Just like Yoda (Star Wars) we lose all concept of try and instead in hypnobirthing say do or do not; makes perfect sense. I could try to pick up a stick for five minutes but to only TRY I would need to not actually pick the stick up - total waste of time.
We substitute the word should for choose to or would like to or want to or was advised that… Likewise, the word need implies pressure, urgency - but choosing to do something creates relief, a sense of freedom.
When we dive deeper into the detail of birth there’s a revolution going on, a revolution I admire and, honestly, at times find intimidating; in doing my utmost to get it ‘right’ and be inclusive I also feel like a rabbit in the headlights.
So, before I dive into this, trust that if something doesn’t cause you offence it’s good to just be aware that this might be a thing for other people, and if it does and I’ve ever offended you, I apologise. I speak with good heart.
The lowdown. It’s more inclusive to say:
1) Vaginal birth rather than natural birth (or birth canal rather than vagina). However a person chooses to birth their baby is up to them, saying natural birth rather than vaginal birth suggests that a c-section or assisted delivery is in some way inferior. I accidentally say natural birth - embarrassingly often, but that’s not because I see anything else as un-natural it’s purely because most people start off telling me they want as ‘natural a birth as possible’ and our conversation flows from there. It’s self-perpetuating.
2) Chest feeding rather than breastfeeding. There is conscious effort required not to say breastfeeding because for 99% of our lives this is the term used. In the appropriate circumstances we now say chest-feeding. Chances are I will refer to it as both during LIVES; I know that the majority of my followers identify themselves as pregnant women and if you’ve never heard of chest-feeding and don’t think it has anything to do with you you’ll miss the information. And if you identify as transgender, cisgender or non-binary then in direct discussion with you I’d ask you the terminology you’d prefer.
3) In medical terms fetal distress becomes changes in the baby’s heart rate because let’s face it, distress is a worrying word.
4) The patient refused. The word refused suggests that you’re being deliberately difficult, whereas patient declined is simply saying no to a suggestion which indicates choice, not force.
5) Poor maternal effort. There’s no real explanation needed for this - someone not finding childbirth easy is very very different to poor maternal effort!
6) FTP or failure to progress becomes a slow(ish) labour. A slow labour isn’t necessarily a bad thing but feeling like you’ve failed to progress is like having ‘could do better’ stamped to your forehead and conjures up primary school report cards all over again (or is that just me!)
7) Human milk rather than breast-milk to be gender inclusive.
8) Birthing person, people who birth, birthing bodies rather than the word woman or mother - it’s more inclusive terminology. You might also notice many websites referring to womxn, and this isn’t a typo, it’s an intentional way of recognising changing beliefs. Womxn was added to the dictionary in 2019 with the definition that it is a word used, especially in intersectional feminism, as an alternative spelling to avoid the suggestion of sexism perceived in the sequences m-a-n and m-e-n, and to be inclusive of trans and non-binary women. The first time I taught hypnobirthing to a same-sex couple they shared with me that they had recently taken part in another antenatal course and found it upsetting that when the room was divided into mums and dads the woman who was ‘not pregnant’ was told to sit with the men. She felt uncomfortable; yes she was the birth partner but she felt ostracised by being told to go and sit with ‘the men’.
9) Boy or girl? A baby. As one pregnant person pointed out in a prenatal yoga class ‘no-one ever seems to consider their baby might be intersex’. Her firstborn was.
10) How’s mum today? How’s dad getting on? I’ve always done my best in postnatal classes to introduce ‘this is Clare, and her baby Isaac’ rather than ‘this is Isaac’s mum’ which immediately strips Clare of her own identity. This could lead me into the whole you’re baby-sitting today fiasco that seems to arise when any male is seen with a child in a supermarket. You don’t baby-sit your own children; with any luck you are parenting!
Trust that if you’re pregnant there’s every chance you are using the words and phrases you are most familiar with and are appropriate to you, and haven’t set out to intentionally cause upset.
You might not have even known this was a thing until you landed here!
In the main I stick with one rule. I want to communicate in a way that ensures the people I support to have calm and confident births have a full and complete understanding of the knowledge I am sharing. It’s important that that understanding doesn’t become lost in translation, and it’s important that it’s recognised that other phrases may be more appropriate in different circumstances.
For example, on Wednesdays on Highland Birth and Beyond’s Facebook page I share useful info or resources for birth partners. Birth partners might be male, female, transgender, binary, a relative, a romantic partner, a spouse, a sister, a mother, a brother, a father, a step-sibling or half-sibling, a grown up child or an identity I haven’t listed. It’s entirely possible that a baby is being born into a heterosexual family, a same-sex family, a polygamous family and by the time I include all of this or write a post peppered with alternate pronouns NO-ONE is reading what I’ve shared. The message no longer speaks clearly or directly to anyone.
So, choose the language that is appropriate to you and how your mind works best whilst being compassionate to everyone else around you. If contraction doesn’t make your landing gear twinge then go for it. And if anything I say ever offends you please do drop me a line out of courtesy to let me know so that I can consider better alternatives, and know in advance that I apologise for that hurt. I set out to speak from a place of love, and the feelings I’d love to stir up in you are generally around being calm, relaxed, confident and empowered. I’m doing my best to honour and represent everyone who uses my services. You’re human, I’m human. You’re growing a human and I can help you give birth in the best possible way, and that’s awesome!
Love creates love.
Big love 💕 Sophia xx
